SnowGirl's Blog

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Frustration

If you weren't aware, I'm a trans female. The problem is that I'm just starting out, so I am horrible non-passable as a female. Wearing female clothes outside of my house is associated with people looking at me weird, and oddly paused addresses of "sir."

So, I was quite upset last night, crying and everything, managing to completely cry off my mascera and eyeshadow. I went by a Jack in the Box to get food last night, and I was dressed up, and had on my bold makeup (blue eyeshadow and pink lips). Of course, my voice still is totally horrible, and since I've not started hormones yet, my face still looks entirely masculine. So, I get up to the window, and I'm wearing a skirt, and female top, with breast forms, and a purse on the seat next to me, and the guy at the window kind of looks at me kind of oddly, then he says, "have a nice night, <pregnant pause> sir"

Of course, this all isn't helped by the fact, that I had a message exchange with a boy the same day earlier, while I was still at work. He's cute, and he's interested, but then he asked me at one point, "So, how big are you down there?" It's like. "Grrr! I want to be a woman! I don't want to think about how big I am down there!" Of course, I am actually quite large down there, which absolutely frustrates me. Do you know how aggravating it is to be a woman inside, but have a 5 inch piece of unerect flesh hanging down frustrating your entire self-image? The last thing I want to be reminded of is by some boy who's interested in me, that I have it. I'm upset, because we might get back, and he's going to want to play with it, and it's like, "NO! I am not a guy, I do not want you playing with that!" Getting involved with a guy who's interested in me because I have a penis is going to work about as well as the relationship I had with my ex-girlfriend that was interested in me because I have a penis. Except the other partner will be crying less, because they're a stupid boy.

All this is also effected by the other transitions I've been making online. Since the online world generally lacks a physical body to confuse/upset people with, the problem is that the people that I already know are stupid idiots some times, and either confusing the issue with me being homosexual, or thinking that I'm just hoaxing everyone. What's worse, is the one that confuses this with homosexuality, is completely unwilling to consider that it's something different, or that after surgery that a trans female would have a vagina, or be able to have a female orgasm. Or God, even that they would have a fully-functional clitoris. All this based on his personal assumptions, that are not backed up by real life experience.

All this is best represented by the topic that jerk chose to use for the channel for at least a day: "update: <my old nickname> loves the cock." And saying things like "Oh, it all makes sense now." and "I totally saw this coming." Suggesting that he thought I was homosexual the entire time. I just want to grab him and scream at him: "I'M NOT HOMOSEXUAL, NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN HOMOSEXUAL, NOR WILL I EVER BE HOMOSEXUAL." But it's just impossible for people to grasp this stuff, and it's frustrating.

I started a new MySpace page, which is setup with me as a female. I was waiting on getting some good makeup, so that I'd take a decent picture. It's a nice picture, and it's surprising how well I did on my makeup, considering it was my first try. I just pick up things very easily. And with the artistic run in my family, I'm blessed with a good eye.

So, the funny thing is that all the female friends that I had before that I sent an invite to all accepted my invitation before *any* males did. I'm slowly learning that females have an incredibly more open mind about things than men. Heck, call me Ms. Mysandronist. I just hate men sometimes. They act like total assholes, and I know women aren't perfect either, but at least they tend to not be assholes about it. True, they tend to be bitches about it, and do subtle stuff, rather than outright offensive stuff, but I'd rather have the subtle than the obvious.

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