SnowGirl's Blog

Friday, June 09, 2006

I WILL NOT ACCEPT!

I will not accept that this is Sin. That needing to be a woman is wrong, and no one will tell me that it is anything other than an acceptable transition that I will be going through.

I've been told by a friend that I should consider speaking with a Pastor, or consulting those accounts of people who have "conquered" their homosexuality through the Power Of Jesus Christ.

I refuse to do so. Because they will tell me that this is wrong. No Pastor would ever counsel me as to that gender transition is even a valid option, and would no doubt condemn me, when I refuse to accept his position. And use his superior knowledge of the Bible to confound every argument that I present.

I presented to my friend with a challenge. He mentioned that Jesus came to give us life, and give it more abudantly, so that we might bear fruit. And I presented him with the challege, what if this is the only way for me to bear my fruit? What if this transition is necessary for me to be a good Christian, because my masculine mask was a horrible example of a Christian. Arrogant, offensive, and confrontational. Now, I bring my confidence around, to my emotional nature, to be caring, helpful, and assistive. Could I just take this personality and be a man for the rest of my life with this personality? No, it's not possible, because then I would be presented with the difficulty of presenting as female all of my life with no external indication that people should expect me to present as a female.

I have been now asked twice to answer how this fits with the idea that "God doesn't make mistakes." And I point out to them that there are intersex children born all the time that are "corrected" to a "proper" gender. And they see nothing about how this relates to me. They assert that I am not a part of this group, and deny that my desire for transition is anything other than a choice, or a result of poor upbringing.

I'm looking into being a roommate with a fairly conservative Christian, and I don't know how he would deal with me, and I want to respect him, and not upset him unnecessarily, but in the same vein, I could not stand to be placed in a situation where I would be constantly confronted by the lie that something is wrong with me, because I must be a woman. As much as I want to see his reaction to me to be respectful to him, I need to see his reaction, to see if I would be comfortable with it. I cannot stand the idea of a close and important person in my life calling me a freak. Just reading about Melanie having been called a freak by her family in the section by Russo in She's Not There by Jenny Boylan, I was brought to tears. Crying at imagining being in her place.

And yet, all of my crying is corrupted now, from my experience in the Army. I used to be able to cry so freely and clearly, but now it seems that I can just turn it off like water works. I believe I need hormones not just so that my body turns out the way I want it to, but also so that my feelings return to where they should be. Where I can cry about those things that make me sad, and actually deal with them, instead of feeling ashamed and embarrased by them. Allowing my body, and hormones to be congruent with who I am, and who I must be.

3 Comments:

  • At 7:13 AM, Blogger Kristen said…

    Sometimes we go through a spot where there are just too many emotions. I know you're looking forward to hormone therapy anyway, but believe me, being the girl who cries all the time is no fun, either. Last night, I cried during the hockey game on TV because the guy sang the US anthem so well. We weren't actually even AT the game. I didn't want to cry, but I didn't have a choice. That part sucks - you don't get a chance to pick when and where you'll be emotional. I've been told that people who cry at the drop of a hat are the ones that feel things more completely. I still think it sucks.

    Also, I don't think for a minute that you're a mistake or that you're sinning. Some people may tell you you're going against God's wishes, but it looks to me like God's granting some of yours. Don't listen to the naysayers. Forces of the universe are coming through for YOU right now, and they're just jealous. :)

     
  • At 10:03 AM, Blogger SnowGirl said…

    Oh, I already know how frustrating it is to be that emotional. When I was in the Army for the whole two months, that was totally how I was. I just couldn't help crying almost all the time.

    But ever since I left the Army, it's just not the same. Even though I'm driven to tears occationally, there's no real release. It's just like empty tears, that I can choose to stop at any time.

    I want to be able to release my sadness truely, and not have it be all confined up and everything.

     
  • At 8:05 AM, Blogger jamesd_wi said…

    Perhaps, you should start out talking to the pastor about birth defects. Talk about babies that are born with an extra finger, or perhaps a bone where there is supposed to be cartledge, other major birth defects that require drastic surgeries to fix. Then ask is it biblical to have those fixed and repaired?


    Then move on to to how you have a birth defect, if he still doesn't wish to see things your way, you should ask him why does he give such power to genaltalia? And sexuality, it is after all just one part of your being. Is it wrong to have your birthdefect fixed? If you only wanted to be homosexual, you could do so freely, and not involve taking medications and having parts of your body hacked off.

     

Post a Comment

<< Home